I went to the bijenkorf and they said I shouldn't leave the house without concealer under my eyes.

i think i look a bit dead. I think i should avoid going out without a fish painted on my face.

Or food in my mouth. 

wouldn't you much rather be seen with this one?

It's a whole new experience meeting a baby that has come out of someone you love.  All babies are special and have landed here for another planet but it seems to hit closer to the heart when they come out of someone close.  

the rhythm that babies seem to demand is so subtle but important to follow.  i was very much under the impression of the way that Erin seems to balance functioning on a daily level and incorporating Oskar's needs.  she knows when to give and when to stand.  i suppose it's an eternal guessing game with no concrete rules.  

it gave me a moment of being calm.  i didn't feel like i was underachieving, like there was something missing or that i was doing something wrong.  that often seems happen when i follow my logic.

conclusion: babies are logic, love doesn't heed to borders and confusion is yet to be comforted.  

easter weekend.  house bound. freedom fighting. i think this is the first time that i have been able to sit in my house for a whole long weekend and not drive myself nuts.  sitting in slight unknowing. in-between finishing one thing (the solo's) and starting another (school again). 

getting used to being with me again.  

and watching great movies.  'be kind, rewind' and 'sixteen candles'.  

not much to report in all honesty. 

2010

We proudly present!

Zondag 28 maart t/m woensdag 31 maart

1^e jaars solo's v/d Mime Opleiding

Met in de hoofdrollen:

Indra Cauwels

"Ingewikkeld ontwikkeld"

Nina Fokker

 "Veelte"

Weinig

Sieger Hesselink

 "Draden"

Een verhaal over tranende bomen, dode supermarkten en het vernuft van de fiets.

Eva Kijlstra

 "Geef het op." (Franz Kafka)

Het was heel vroeg in de morgen, de straten schoon en leeg, ik ging naar het station. 

Ruud Smulders

 "Bedankt voor de koffie."

Van Starbucks tot koffietafel.

Sus Verbruggen

 "afk"

Sanne de Wit

 "Engelengeduld"

Johannes Bellinkx

                                                         "Slachtoffer"                                                          
met dank aan Zeilmakerij HCSS

just a quick moment of gratitude to the fact that i can wear what ever i want today, grace to my status as student.  no work uniform, no level of tidiness to fulfill.  and if i look ridiculous then hey, i probably won't stand out in the sea of other half dressed students floating around the building.

peace.x

What is the process?  What is all part of the process?/ what is it about finding your own process??  I have come across some things today.  The movement parts are hard to fill in cause i'm finding it hard to have inspiration.  Maybe I need to set some concrete movement opdrachten.  

I have several sketch ideas.  But will discover that they are all crap.   But that's no in the order at the moment.. 

xx

the end of february. and i am sitting in front of the window, it's saturday.  I was riding home last night.  I was wishing there was someone home.  but all there is is the cat with it's dead mouse gifts.  I allowed my mind to travel and create an imaginary friend to greet me at home.  it was a good thought. that i cut off.  a grown woman doesn't have imaginary friends.  

or does she.?

Today is the first day of the holidays.  I'm about to go to work.  I slept in and watched a movie in my bed.  Just drank a strawberry yogurt drink in a cafe.  This is what it looks like out the window at the studio at school.  

That's all for now.  ciao. 

to be honest i've had enough.  i've had enough of people and cold and pushing and trying.  and being by myself.  and missing my family. and being tired. and having to make choices.  and having friends leave.  and not having access to a phone line in my house.  and being cold. 

I think i've mainly had enough og being cold.  and having a cold. I don't want to be sick.  I do want to dance.  and go to the performance this week.  and get paid.  I'm sick of not having any money.  and having to pay people back when I still don't have any money.  how money goes up and down.  ebb and flow. 

get used to it.  know how to sink in and climb up.  sink in and climb up.  know how to manage.  I have a cold.  a fuzzy head.  what do i want to do now??????

No photos.  Just a message out to the universe that i miss you.  I miss you in general.  everyone.  warmness and relaxed afternoons.  if i ever knew how to do that anyway.. 

xxx

It's new years 2009.  it's still the morning. of the last day of the year. half way through the school year.  eating porridge.  it's 0 degrees outside.  The preparations will start soon, as soon as I get out the door.  Making pumpkin pie, Bec's recipe.  

Yesterday we tried to make a list of all the things that happened this year.  

-swine flu, emergency response program, queens day car ploughing, fires in Australia, Ian died, Tanya had a baby, Bec's parents moved/are homeless, Eva started school, Bec worked really hard, Eva graduated from 'yoga school', We've both been really busy in an intense session of DOING, Michael Jackson died, Ynte is pregnant, Erin is pregnant, Riots in Athens, Riots in dutch seaside doff party, Going to Australia x 2, Eva looked after things (Plants), Eva's grandma was really sick, Floods in eastern Europe, Plane crash at Schipol (turkish), Bec made her own recipe-pumpkin pie!!, Bec worked more than 12 hours in a day, Eva taught classes to adults and children, Eva has new communication with Tim, Eva pushed boundaries in her physical expression and body relationship. 

Lists of creative things

Bec- Eating Animals, By J.S.Foer, Led Zeppelin, re-connection to drawing, getting back into rock.

Eva- Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert, 2 x fiction by J.S. Foer, Art History, Chi Kung and Stem, Playing records. 

"Sometimes I'm so glad there's not a speaker phone attached to my head." 

The first evaluations are in.  I need a mentor.  To talk things through with.  To hold onto perspective. 

And It's Loes.

the universe knows how to play hard ball with me.  This school is the good challenge for me.  Take all my energy into one place and hold it there.  Hold me down, kicking and screaming.  crying and cursing.  pull the good stuff out.  Push the boundries.  Do my thing.  let myself shine.  have a good time. 

talking against myself has no use.  trust the school mates. 

now or never.

I have been given a second chance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am accepted into the AHK Mime!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fucking amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here in Amsterdam. 

I feel like it suits me.I have moments when i am happy through and through and then moments when it comes crashing down.  The idea of yoga is to appreciate the moments when it's up but not hang on to them.  Allow them, like the other moments, to slide on by.  Allow them all the space to come and go. 

I see more and more the need for basic comfort.  Basic security and the need I have to find a place for myself in the dynamic.  This takes time.  No matter what.  It can't be rushed.

If only I could hear myself sometimes!

Peace love and process all the way!!

I don't know what to do.

I know what to do.

I don't know how to do it.

I can see myself doing it.  I can see myself being fabuolous.  It is within my reach.

But there is something in the way. 

Stroopwafels. 

Chocolate covered digestive biscuits. 

Pretending to be asleep.

Humm.  My superior self is waiting patiently.  The self that does the streches that will release my tight upper back.   The self that will return the juice back into my joints.  The self that will allow me to feel fabulous.

I had a friend here and she left last night.  Perhaps I haven't processed that.  I wonder if I made the decision to come here from my head or from my heart.  Did I follow the guidance of the uiniverse or did I wait until fear could take over. 

Am I doing the same now?  Escaping to Australia would be the same thing.

I feel like I am living in a level of society where I don't want to be.  Just on the outside of where it is happening. Just outside of where the exploration of body and mind are happening.  Get your priorities straight Eva.  Get your priorities straight.

Live in my superior self and things will work, fall into place.  Create positive vibes and they will emenate towards me.  like Andrew says, Smile and the world smiles with you, you will rise above the level where oyu reside.

This 'letting go'.  I have tried in the convential way and it doesn't relax me.  What relaxes me is spending time with choice people and interacting about choice things.  What relaxes me is doing good things and being involved with choice projects.  Writing, walking, swimming, having space to be myself.  in France. or with Clara. or in Lismore. 

Then I create a to do list for myself.  In this time now I feel I am constantly beating up againt a wall.  Everyday is a challange.  Every step is a strain.  Then I have a nap.  Humm.  This is good.  Weird dreams though. 

If I see it  like an experiment then will I be able to be 'kind' to myself.  This being kind to myself involves elements that are not availabe. N/A. Out of reach.  Out of Order.

Back in Switzerland......

gloing well.

busy.

Interesting

Challanging

Invigorating

What an incredible place, but what a crappy frame of mind..

I have been feeling very unempowered, all the same doubts and insecurities coming up again and again.

bah.

I can just sit and watch myself in a mild disgust. 

I want to be saved.  I want this echo in my head to go away.  Double guesssing everything i say and do.

I am not in my power, not in my superior self.

But India is amazing, what a different planet, any other circumstances and I would be more interested.  maybe i need a solid shake up.

Universe, where am I?

I'm sitting in the Melbourne Museum.  I just finished work.  it feels calm here.  Although there are children running amuck, people all over, some music in the background.  no-one requires anything of me, I don't have to answer to anyone.  Ahh, relief. 

I can get lost in thought.  I can slow down to a reasonable pace.  I can hear myself think again. 

The internet is free here, to anyone, and you don't have to book. Alright, get the world addicted to the internet!!

I think I will look up a second hand backpack on trademe. Or at least on the australian version whatever that is.

I miss Tim.  Is it that I miss him, or that i am learning to live without him?. Live without the idea of him.  I learn about myself.  I start to see more 'clearly'.  I start to see that it wasn't my 'fault' (although this I still sometimes believe).  We were both under stress.  Him as much as me.  I am getting to know a whole new side of myself, I feel braver, stronger, more in charge of my life, more excited about the future.

  I am looking forward to going to India.